Busting Anxiety

HigherSelfish | 12:04

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"I felt lost and confused, and I wasn't ready to fully give up my career."

Anxiety Career Setback Shaman Soul Retrieval Breathwork Meditation

Story Transcript

I'm Amanda Scott, and I have been... previously was a reality show TV producer, started my career in comedy writing, but that was back in 2003-2004. There was a writer and somebody help me get into the story world of reality shows, and it was really fun. And I enjoyed it quite a bit, and I worked on, you name it, just a ton of different genres. I've just been really blessed to have a very layered career. It taught me so much about life and friendships and traveling and meeting people and getting to create, and it really just helped scratch that creative itch that I always have inside. Towards the end of my career, I don't want to call the end of my career, because I still could go out and do it. But I did have a stopping point in October 2018, which I'll speak about, the events leading up to that date. I guess it was around 2012, I started doing like more housewives sort of shows, so I did a post production of New York Housewives, which is a very popular show 'Housewives of New York', and that was a lot of fun. And then I ended up taking a show running job on 'Basketball Wives of Los Angeles', which was also a fantastic show to work, work on and super fun. And my staff is fantastic. And I love the editors, the cast and it was a lot of fun for a couple of years, I did a couple of cycles.

It started just getting, I guess I can say that the universe was kind of sending me a lot of like, hey, what are you doing? It's not... the world shouldn't be about women getting drunk and then fighting each other. We shouldn't be...ah, you know, putting this out here energetically in the world. But, you know, the money was great. I was getting paid. And then once you're also in the business, you learn quickly that if you're on an upward trajectory, it's really hard to get off. People will look at you like you're crazy, if you say no to things or even if you end up, you know, taking time off. There's always that thought in the back of your mind of, no one's gonna hire me back, or they're going to be wondering why I've left you know? And it's a really reputation based, just like all the stuff that you hear about the industry- cut throat, it is hard. You have to have a thick skin. All of that stuff is real. And at my true core, I don't think that I embody those qualities. I think that I am a softie. I think that I have a heart of gold. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. And even though I was a great boss and I could be tough at times, it was really that toughness is never what got me to the positions I got to be in. It was the inclusivity, and the kindness I showed to people that I think and also being productive and effective in the way I delivered information. But there's a whole...there's a whole bunch that comes into working with the entertainment industry, and that really got stuck inside of my heart and soul. Well, there's a lot of ego layer developing, when you're in an industry like this.

So, the last season of Basketball Wives I did I think, was season seven, and then I was transitioning out of that show and into another show, a first season show for Bravo that was very, very difficult for many, many reasons. It had a lot of moving parts. It was filmed internationally and very short time limit on getting the cuts, the episodes out to the network. And if you know anything about working on the first season of any show / network, it's a very brutal experience when it comes to fine tuning, what the network actually wants and expects. So, it ended up being a thing where, I'm also a mother of two children, and we had a live-in nanny at the time, so I had help. But I was just grinding. I mean up at seven, saying hi to my kids, showering, getting to work, coming home at night, missing their bedtime, and this was going on year after year after year, and they missed me. My kids really wanted to be with their mom, and I had such a guilt of leaving them and never getting to spend much time with them. And then when I did spend time with them, I was just exhausted and moody, because I was expelling my energies in other ways, and so I kind of felt helpless. I remember gripping the steering wheel and saying, like, How am I gonna get through this day? How am I going to do this? And finding myself in the throes of deep anxiety every night, waking up like, almost panicking, going, how will I do this tomorrow? I don't know. how I am supposed to do this.

And so, what came as a very random and sort of shocking firing, actually was a blessing. One of my best friends and coworkers who was running the show alongside me, as the company executive had to let me and a lot of my staff go, because the network wanted fresh eyes, which is a completely normal thing. They do this a lot, but because of the ego connection and all of the, you know, dogma around reputation in this industry, I completely just fell into a really dark place. Normally, I think people would rush to find that next job and, like, quickly get just get right back on the horse. And everybody told me, oh, this is crazy. They shouldn't have done that. They really did you dirty. You're so amazing. And and its their loss not yours, and all those kind words, But I still felt like an incredible failure, especially being at the level of Showrunner. And, there were two things I knew. I knew that I wanted to shift my perspective. I knew that I wanted to give more to myself and my family time wise. And I knew that... well, that's two things and I just didn't know how. I felt lost and confused, and I wasn't ready to fully give up the career, but I knew that I didn't want to be doing shows about people drinking and getting into fights, because I wanted to elevate the vibration on the planet. I feel that we're in a state of necessary healing, necessary connection, and I feel that genre of show has been done way too much and we're all ready for something new.

So I, for the first time in my life, looked deeply into the depths of my soul and began a self-love process that started with gratitude and what I could be grateful for on a daily basis. And really diving into trauma through certain healing modalities. I worked with a shaman, who did a soul retrieval. If anyone doesn't know what a soul retrieval is, it is the idea that through your past life experiences in trauma, as a child or whatever, your soul has the tendency or can bisect and kind of wave of in its own space. And that leaves you with all types of anxieties or problems or blocks. And, that was sort of the first realm of my healing. And it really put some pieces back together for me and not in a pleasant way, but not in a horrible way, but in a dark way. And sometimes in the darkness, I learned the void of things and the pain of things, is really, just the initiation of a start of new. So, through that, I was really helped. And then I found breathwork, which is an active meditation, at the end of 2018. And it really blew me away because of the physical experience, the physical, mental and emotional experience. But it was such a physically rocking experience that I just was afraid of it, and I had to keep going. Through that first breathwork session, I unearthed so many traumas that I hadn't recognized that I hadn't dealt with. And breathwork is such an amazing modality, and that if your brain is still and your sympathetic nervous system is activated, you start to recall things that need to be processed at that time and place, and you could be releasing trauma in certain areas of your body. Trauma in your mind, emotions stored in your subconscious, you just never know.

So for me, instead of picking up a glass of wine or looking at social media or turning on the TV and numbing out, I wanted to go deeper into myself, and really start loving myself. When people talk about self love, you don't really understand it, unless you're practising it. So that came with a lot of finding tools for myself, how to ritualize my day in terms of loving myself. What did I say to myself in the mirror? What was I using on my skin? What was I using on my hair? What was I using, you know in my body to eat and just really taking things down to a ground level. And then, I was sort of just letting my soul guide me to find new and exciting ways to heal because the healing became a bigger charge, then defining the next job. Oh, and trust me, I know that this is like a very privileged thing to say. My husband has taken on the lion's share of our finances, and that has not been easy. It has been a big struggle, but I know that something good is and something great is coming from all of this work and all of this practice, I'll get into that in a moment. I was healing my soul, and I kept seeing at the zen meditation, which is a beautiful franchise out here in L.A., where you can go on meditate, it's very affordable. And there's all different types of classes and modalities to learn. And I kept feeling seeing this intuitive healing class, and it was like a eight or nine week workshop until I took that with Katherine Shift. And it was all about energy healing and reading the energy in your body and tapping into your chakras and seeing how these energy centers in your body really store things and are related to emotional health and physical health and our auras and all that stuff that you know, most people consider Woo Woo, I'm really tapped into.

And so through all this I am still creative, I still crave the storytelling. I've been writing a lot, and that's been very healing. But I'm ready to be not so much behind the camera and and behind the scenes, as I am to be more expressive in what I've learned so that I can give back to the community with these modalities. And I now get to practice energy healing with one-on-one clients, and I get to practice breath work in a class setting I teach weekly, and I feel that I'm giving back in a way that is elevating the vibration on the planet and causing people to want to connect more.

And the most incredible stories have come out of these sessions and these classes, and it's filled me with such an amazing, just gift of higher healing and myself that I am just, I'm like, I'm just a totally different person. And I am very, very grateful. So I guess the big message is for anyone that thinks they're stuck or that can't change careers. I'm 40 and I'm gonna be 41 next week. You... there's never a time to... there's always time to change. I know it's easier said than done, but there's, Oh, you can always make time. You can carve out little bits of time in your day to start a practice of something, whether it's five minutes of meditation or dry brushing your skin or looking in the mirror or journaling, there's always time to carve out that will shift and help your brain chemistry start changing and start feeling better and start hopefully being more positive.